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Outwardly I’d always been vocal about how disgusting and demeaning towards women these types of sex shows were, but secretly, well that was a different story.

I always wanted to catch a glimpse of Thai girls doing vaginal acrobatics. Little did I know that I wouldn’t be the one blowing out the candles though. WARNING: The rest of the post contains some pretty graphic language about sex and sex workers.

Okay yes, I did go to a ping pong show in Thailand. My pal Matt from Xpat felt bad that he was deserting me in Rayong during my birthday, so he suggested we go out for a night on the town in Pattaya the week prior.

I replied, “Only if we go see a ping pong show.” I couldn’t believe I actually uttered the words out loud.

But instead of jousting sticks there were stripper poles. I don’t really want to say cougars (although some of the female bar staff were certainly a bit long in the tooth) and actually most of the Thai girls performing that night were quite pretty. Instead of kicking us out, or perhaps asking “What the f***? Of course somewhere during the night I lost that coveted piece of paper.

I can just imagine some tourist’s kid finding it in the gutter the next day: “Mommy, is this someone’s bucket list?

There should be some sort of government funding to study this. In any case, one of the infamous Pattaya girls opened a bottle of Coke with her vagina. Pageant Mom asked for a volunteer from the audience to hold the ping pong paddle, but since no one was offering, she ended up taking the helm of that task herself.

Not much fanfare, and it was all over pretty quickly. I figured that the candles would be on a cake, or perhaps a muffin (I mean, how appropriate would that be? A Thai girl made her way to the stage, laid down on her back, planted her feet firmly on the stage floor, then arched her back up so her lady bits faced Pageant Mom.

If you haven’t been to either of those places, well, it’s basically live sex shows, gogo bars, and scantily clad Thai women (and a fair number of Russian women too) imploring you to come on in, so they can take it all off.

Touts for Pattaya gogo bars persist in shoving menus of the sex acts available in your face with cries of “Ping Pong, Ping Pong! ” Thai prostitutes (and let’s not forget those Russian girls) tease you with that “love-you-long-time” come hither stare.

I’ve been to both Patpong and Bangla, but Walking Street, well Walking Street is place like no other. He led us to a Go Go bar in a side alley named Rocket Club A-Go-Go where we paid our 300 baht admission, which included one drink.

Most of the audience seemed to be enjoying the show about as much as the Thai girls performing did.

There were more stony faces than Easter Island in the room that night.