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Even if you comprehend, in theory, words like “statistics” or “probability”, thinking that somewhere out there in the Tinderverse is a girl who’ll perk up at that line, or this next one, it’s just a bad gamble to get straight in with, “Your ass is amazing, I want to just take it. Yuck.”Meera’s since tweaked her profile description to include “those only interested in one thing can swipe left”, as have others I’ve come across in “researching this article”: strictures laid out for any poor bastard hoping to use Tinder for the reason it was invented: to employ your phone’s GPS to find people nearby who also want to have sex, “DTF” as the character-constricted internet kids say.

I swear I will worship it.”“And then there are those self-obsessed kinds,” wrote Meera, “‘I work out for 4 hours everyday, I burnt 1500 calories today. It’s what’s made Grindr, Tinder’s origin-app, so popular with gay men. None of this ambiguous bullshit hetero dudes have to suffer.

In fact, Indian men were complaining the app was broken, or corrupted by a “no matches bug”.

And I’ve been reliably informed that messages like: “You have an amazing smile, I wonder how it would be when I put my dick in your mouth,” will get you nowhere.But having never been based in one place for more than two years or so, a few serious relationships have had to be sacrificed. So after once again moving to a new city where I didn’t really know any women, I was pleased at the prospect of a shortcut to finding some.And there I was, a grown man, in Mumbai, on Tinder: Impulse-driven dating app. Great facilitator of race-bait golden showers.“Are you free on Tuesday? Having established itself as the go-to sex-app in the US after its release in September 2012, Tinder migrated to India’s platforms at a time it was presumed — and as aarticle that year by Snigdha Poonam noted — that India wasn’t quite ready for “Western-style” dating websites.“I remember feeling at that time,” Poonam tells me, “that there was no way for dating sites to work around the nagging Indian problem of a surplus of men, whose vast and desperate presence on any online platform, one even remotely promising female company, would scare the women away.”True.It’s probably the only way girls can check out (available) boys without getting into trouble.”And with daily new-user registrations up a holy-shit 740 per cent since this time last year, Tinder has burrowed itself deep into the country’s conservative cultural undercarriage., bro.They certainly weren’t interviewing for the job of full-bladdered loogie-hocking Dominant cuckold.