What should you never tell anyone

14 sentences LGBT parents never want to hear

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Never say these sentences. Not at the prom and not at the parents' evening. Never.

1. "Are you married?"

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Seems like an innocent question, but you've just opened Pandora's straight box. Now you have to listen when we tell you everything about marriage for everyone in Germany or how we thought about getting married somewhere else first until it was also legal here in Germany. Sit down and make yourself comfortable, it will take a while.

2. "Where did you get your children?"

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In fact, you still can't buy kids through Amazon Prime and we don't get them in the Quelle catalog. In reality, we don't "get" it anywhere. We create our families in as many different ways as straight couples do. Strange I know

3. "What do the kids call you?"

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Does it really matter? Mommy, Daddy. Frank. Bilbo. Queen Elizabeth. What ever. Most of the time they tell us to take them somewhere.

4. "I love Ellen DeGeneres or Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother!"

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So do we, but you know there are other celebs out there, right? For example Laverne Cox. We all know that you all Orange Is The New Black looks.

5. "My friend / brother / cousin / aunt / butcher is gay!"

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What do you expect in response now? Shall we congratulate you? Shall we now list which of our family members are straight? (Spoiler alert: most of them.) Can we make a joke about the gay butcher?

6. "You should be able to use every toilet!"

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Hm thank you? You also.

7. "I could be gay if it weren't for [some sexual act]."

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Just no. You don't have to prove how much you love the LGBT community by trying to be a part of it. Now we try to bridge the uncomfortable silence and all eat a bratwurst with pasta salad together.

8. "Well, this one time at university ..."

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Did you forget that we just met? Obviously you've wanted to tell someone about your visit to gay land for a few years now, but we're just trying to eat our potato salad here. Let's save our stories of sexual experimentation for later. Because I'm already gone.

9. "My son loves to wear clothes, maybe he's gay."

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While you're talking to us about something like that, we shout "NEEEEEEIIIIIIN!" Simply because we don't want to explain the difference between sexual preference and gender identity when we actually only want to sip our lukewarm Pinot Grigio. We just want to have some fun if we got a babysitter today.

10. "I envy you."

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That's mostly what straight women say to lesbian women because two women have to be totally ideal in a relationship. Yes, we talk about our relationship all the time! We always prefer the other! We share all household and parenting responsibilities fairly! Correct. Unfortunately, I have to tell you that my partner and I have been arguing for 23 years about who has to do the dishes.

11. "Have you seen the recipe for the beautiful rainbow layer cake?"

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In all honesty, just because we're part of the LGBT community doesn't mean we've been rainbows all our lives. Thank you, but enjoy your meal.

12. "Have you seen Carol? We loved the movie."

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Yes, we saw him. Almost every gay woman and most gay men have seen him. Why? Because it's the only recent Hollywood movie with a gay story. Yes, Cate Blanchett was great. Yes, Rooney Mara was gorgeous. Yes, the custody battle was sad.

13. "I don't understand why people have to come out. It doesn't matter anymore."

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I want to live in your perfect world! Are the clouds with you made of cotton candy? Are the rivers made of chocolate? Because there is still bigotry and violence against LGBT people in my world. I would prefer Candyland, please hold my hand and guide me through your candy cane forest!

14. "Whenever people get to know me, they think I'm gay!"

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This is usually followed by a list of stereotypes so long that we could play stereotype bingo and get a blackout. When you say that, we think of a thing or two: "Why isn't there any alcohol here right now?" Or: "You really seem to be gay somehow. I'll give your marriage five years."

This post originally appeared in English.