Can words lead to someone feeling loved?

Feeling understood - more important than feeling loved?

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As a psychologist, I am always pleased when someone replies to my summary of what they just shared with the single word. "Exactly!"Why? Simply because over the years I've learned how important it is for people to feel that others can control their thoughts and feelings - and on the contrary, how upset they can be when they do Not Feeling understood. At such moments they experience a break in the relationship - and with it feelings of discomfort, loneliness or irritation.

Manal Ghosain writes about our desire to be accepted, valued, approved, cared for, liked, loved, cared for and understood. What it does not take into account, however, is that if we fail to experience or experience others as understanding - who we are and what we are about - all of these other desires can feel relatively meaningless. Don't feel like others really do knows we can feel hopelessly alienated from the rest of humanity. It may well be that the feeling of being understood is a prerequisite for our other desires to be satisfactorily fulfilled.

Without knowing that others know or are us able We feel alone - sometimes desperate. It's a desolate place and can lead to feelings of emptiness and dejection. In such a state, we are even prone to suicide. The persistent feeling of acute isolation from others can make our existence feel like a delusion. Loneliness has often been perceived as practically synonymous with depression, which is why being plagued by an oppressive sense of alienation can go hand in hand with suicidal thoughts and actions.

If the essential chemical or sexual attraction intrinsically to the heated glow of romantic love is missing, you can actually do it stay In love with someone you think doesn't "understand" who you are? If you feel misunderstood, the connection between you and the other person is instantly broken. You are thrown back on an island of solitude. When love is not closely related crossing This gap, which enables us to be lovingly “connected” to the other in a fulfilling way, has no idea what it might be referring to.

Let's look at 10 reasons why feeling that others can understand the meaning of your words and actions is critical to achieving a lasting feeling of security and wellbeing:

1. You are known.

If you are misunderstood, the connection between you and the other person will be broken (but temporarily). You are alone, "separated", cut off. I am listing this benefit of others "getting" you as a starting point because I believe that all other benefits of understanding come from it.

2. Your identity is confirmed.

When others see you the way you want and need to be seen, your self-esteem is confirmed. It assures you that who you think you are is understandable and justified. Really feeling "caught" means feeling deeply and rewardingly validated.

3. You exist.

Since we are all social beings, some external confirmation is required if you want to feel "real". As Michael Schreiner duly states The need to be understood"The unconscious fear that always seems to lurk in the background: If we don't understand it, it will be as if we never existed." (A scary thought!)

4. You belong.

Feeling understood connects you with others and allows you to feel welcome. Conversely, it can be very painful to feel alone and detached from the people around you - as some marginalized or shunned children would unfortunately testify.

5. You are part of something bigger than you.

We all need to feel like we are related to a community of (at least relatively) like-minded people. Such expanded self-awareness helps make our lives feel more meaningful and purposeful - and also contributes to a sense of personal worth.

6. You are accepted.

Feeling understood is in many ways synonymous with feeling socially recognized or “approved”. Even non-verbally, someone else's physical or facial reactions to something you've shared can be the most comforting. Various acts of empathy (as long as they are correct) also mean recognition, understanding, and support. And however introverted you may be, the gregarious species we are, no one likes to feel alienated or "all alone" by others.

7. You are empowered.

If you feel understood, don't feel your way around in the dark. With others' respectful willingness to recognize you and your intentions, you are empowered to try and achieve things that you may not otherwise be driven to do. Things are more important to us when we feel that others are taking care of them too.

8. You understand yourself better.

When someone says, "In other words, it sounds like you have to believe [X] because you seem to imply [Y]." It is entirely possible that the summary of what you shared actually goes beyond that what you have recognized yourself. By adding your own intuition and experience to your utterance, they can help you better understand the deeper, more personal implications of what you are communicating.

9. You experience greater satisfaction in your relationships.

When you feel understood, you will be asked to relate to others better and be more willing to be open and vulnerable with them. As Carl Nassar (The importance of feeling understood) remarked astutely: “When we feel understood. . . We show [others] our true selves - mistakes and everything. In return, they tend to be more vulnerable and honest with us. This helps us establish a connection. . . on a deeper level to improve the quality of our relationships. "

10. You are protected from the depths of depression.

Depression is closely related to feelings of separation and alienation. The feeling of being understood and connected to our fellow human beings can be one of the best protective measures to get into this excruciating, agonizing state. . . as well as his "antidote" form.

"The neural basis of the feeling of being understood and not being understood (Socially cognitive and affective neuroscience(2014), 9, 1890-1896), an article by S. A. Morelli and others, experimentally documents how the feeling of understanding increases well-being - both personally and socially.

Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) with study participants, the authors' results indicated that “activated neural regions previously associated with reward and social connection (i.e., ventral striatum and middle insula) felt understood while activated neural regions that were previously associated, felt not understood with a negative effect (ie anterior insula). "Empirically supporting the points made here and confirming previous research in this area, they add:" When you feel understood, the individual feels valued, respected and validated. . . and leads to important changes in affective experience and feeling of social connection. "

Final thoughts

Two final considerations deserve a mention here:

1. Do whatever you can you could do to make yourself understood?

That is, how much responsibility could you bear for being misinterpreted? For example, if a reply to your text or email is far from what you thought was communicated, you may want to reread your message and check that what you wrote transcribed exactly what it was in your head.

In general, unless you take the time to make sure the language you are using is crystal clear, you cannot assume that you will be understood. If you don't, you are more likely to misunderstand, not the other person.

2. How well do you understand? yourself (Your characteristics, values, preferences, motives, etc.)?

If you're still confused about who you really are, when or what you stand for, you can't expect someone else to understand what makes you feel unclear or confused about yourself. If so, you may need to get involved (using any number of self-help books devoted to the subject) in a process of self-exploration and discovery. And if you get stuck here, keep in mind that such an inward exploration can be made much easier by working with a professional therapist.

... Knowing yourself is just as important as being known to others.

© 2017 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All rights reserved.